I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
