meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
