she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
