I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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