weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
