I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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