So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
