Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
