I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
