im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
