Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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