Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
