She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
