Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
