I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
