She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize