Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
