look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
