Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
