I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
