It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
