i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
