I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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