I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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