very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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