There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Where did you get a picture of my penis
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
