She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
