That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
