where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
