Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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