When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
How's work?
Spinning.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
