I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
