Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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