For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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