Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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