Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think i got beer on your cat.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
