I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Randomize
