just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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