He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
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