Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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