I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
