dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
