I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just invented taco cereal.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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