You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
