Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
