saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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