dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
