I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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