if you like me you must not know who I am
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize