Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
