I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
