I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
