like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize