Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
