I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
