so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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