I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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