made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
love makes seman taste better
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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